OPINION: Loyalty in Marriage

Loyalty–as the devotion and faithfulness among spouses and marital life–a life of positive aspects of compatibility, adjustability, empathy and mutually satisfying create each other; and always go hand in hand together. Where loyalty gives rise to a booming, flourishing and everlasting marital life, a healthy marital life flourishes and furnishes loyalty.

In fact loyalty shapes the basic essence of the marital life.

Speaking psychologically, it is the loyalty in marital relationships which acts as a shield against spousal tensions, violence, verbal outbursts and avoidance of the partner, sense of loneliness, depression and feeling of alienation from his partner and even from his own self. A marital life blessed with loyalty means achieving common goals of life together.

Loyalty needs not to be taken merely as faithfulness but understanding its broader contours which are wider than mere showing faith to the spouse. It means the holistic approach of living with the partner and living beyond the instincts of need and greed. It is the loyalty which connects the institution of marriage to the permanence and everlasting stability.

Loyalty does not also mean overseeing of the self and repetition apologies only; it means truth behind the relation and a great feeling of the sanctity of keeping the rapport of marriage above every other thing. It also does not mean merely close intimacy with the spouse. a sense of security and well being, a joy so ceaseless and a trust beyond everything  but not an interwoven  complex of complaints, frequent outbursts, variety taste consciousness  and treating spouse with abuse, be it physical or psychological.

Loyalty and marital life speak about the whole psychology of behaviour of an individual and of his whole functional being. It is accepting the partner, first because of his/her limitations and then for his/her good lifestyle, it is accepting disappointment and defeat seldom to make your spouse win.

Loyalty is the heart of all the virtues and its main foundation is the relation of marriage itself. Lack of loyalty mars marital relations and reduces them to nothing but a few formal signed bonds, a few chanted holy words and a useless bunch of ceremonies, a redundant, and a dismayed passage of time, a bitter silent suffering and a brutal disbelief in everything good and beautiful in the world.

Loyalty means

• A power of Saying no to others for intimate relations other than one’s spouse.
• A clear internalisation of the distinction between loyalty and fidelity.
• A firm and clear cut denunciation to extramarital affairs.
• It means being the right person and marrying the similar other.
• Understanding of the partner’s aspirations and desires and inner psychological sphere.
• A commitment and faithfulness of sustaining the commitment of being faithful.
• Avoiding fantasizing about others, no adulterous nature, no emotional and mental infidelity, and thereby protecting one’s inner self for the none but the partner.

The essence of Loyalty and marital relationship: Do’s and Don’ts

• Assume being loyal to each other as a responsibility not mere gratitude and do things which give comfort  to the heart of your partner.
• Repel boredom with each other’s company and love to take hardships for your partner’s relief.
• Avoid creating grading and hierarchy at home. Shun dominance and create a healthy egalitarian environment between each other to foster a sense of security, belief, sympathy and broader understanding of one another.
• Convert the lemon of marital life into the sweet juice of loyalty, mutual understanding, splendid living chemistry and joy.
• Extract the honey of satisfaction be it biological, emotional, psychological, etc, from the hive of your marital bond but never break it.
• Always realise enough for you and your last limit is your spouse and nothing beyond that.
• Believe dissatisfaction is the door of the doubt and satisfaction with each other as richness, safety and beauty and the true essence of the marital life.
• Do not carry the weight of the globe on your shoulders; just overlook each other’s faults and never resort to one-upmanship to highlight each other’s weaknesses and faults in order to live with satisfaction and joy.
• Strive to help your partner to come out of her identity and personality crisis and don’t grieve over trivialities in the relationship and always hold a good opinion about your partner.
• Explore each other’s inner beauty and feel blessed to be with each other at every moment. Also do not publicise your interpersonal issues before others.
• Always believe that marital life describes love, contentment and satisfaction not blame game, grief and agony.
• Travel through the topsy–turvy of marital life with bravery keeping always hand in hand with each other. Learn to give your best to your partner when he/she is at his/her worst.
• Never depress each other, it leads to misery which leads to suffering and hopelessness and misunderstanding in relations.
• Love to do everything that brings peace to your marital bond. Your reward will be love, loyalty and soothe of life.
• Accept your faults and don’t fall in the rat race craze with your partner. Avoid ego clashes and have faith in each other.
• Develop a habit of showering good words upon your partner and pass smiles to keep the bond of love and warmth alive.
• Be free from overseeing, envy, ill-will, overhearing, spying, worry, fear and learn being gentle to each other. Also never resort to settling your grudges and scores against your spouse.
• Melt in each other’s personality and look for each other’s relief. Understand each other’s pains and grief’s.
• Think your past is gone forever and your present relation is everything and a reward in making for the future life.
• Avoid arguments and confrontations over trifles, shun criticism and keep each other’s dignity and mutual love as a priority, not your mental egos merely.
• Believe that the faith in loyalty in the marital relation is life itself in totality.
• Believe patience is the most fitting.
• Do not get entangled into the formality of relationships, maintain and keep relations by heart not mere formalities, sycophancy, or through pressurizing, etc,.
• Be contented with each other in every respect.
• Never encourage being sad of your partner, smile at him/her  in life’s  odds to keep the lamp of mutual cooperation and we feeling burning. Realising always that the better comes after the worse.
• Enjoy the blessings of marital life and learn the art of creating loyalty in relations by sincerity toward each other.
• Control your anger and emotions; utilize them in work but don’t give vent to your anger at your spouse. Develop a sense of sexual responsiveness, emotional sharing and passionate companionship and a strong will power.
• Avoiding emotional intimacy and promiscuous thirst of sexual excitement with others.
• Avoiding new found romance with colleagues or staff members, etc,. Also stay away from late marriage craze and psyche.
• Last but the most important, developing a sense of accountability before your partner and to the very relationship of marriage.

Tail Piece

Marriage, marital satisfaction and loyalty is the beautiful trio binding two lives. But it is to be taken into consideration that one does not own the other’s holistic world and resorting to extra possessiveness and over supervision also hurts its delicate premises and either chokes the spouse or a more serious outcome would be its branching out into other disturbing elements like suspicion, deliberate retaliation by indulging in adultery, etc, that seeks to mar the prospects of a good marriage thereby contributing in compounding the existing pressures.

It is wise and wonderful to dwell within a family bonding with caring, sharing and understanding and also by giving room to the partner to live freely, provided the things warrant so by the circumstances which speak of the basic essence of loyalty and satisfaction.

[Syed Adfar Rashid Shah is a contributing writer and a doctoral candidate in the Department of Sociology. He can be reached via email at: [email protected]]